6 Lessons I've Learned Parenting an Only Child

A field guide of sorts for those who are one and done

Quick note: Even if you don’t have an only child, you might have a friend who does, and I would so appreciate it if you shared this with them. I can say from experience that having an only can be a lonely, isolating experience, especially if you don’t know any other families with that setup. I know I’m always hungry for resources and stories from other moms of onlies—your friend might like this one, too.

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and I’ve always wanted to be chic!

Having an only child was never my plan. As the youngest of three sisters, when I imagined my future family, it looked like mine—multiple kids, close in age, constantly playing or fighting. Plus, I didn’t know any only children in the suburb where I grew up. It was a totally foreign way of being to me, and wasn’t an option I had ever considered.

But becoming a mother blew up all my assumptions. After a difficult birth (despite all my preparations!), I experienced postpartum depression that lasted two years. I could barely keep my head above water for the first few years of my daughter’s life.

Despite my struggles, I truly did delight in my happy, healthy baby. Feeling the weight of her in my arms, watching her sleeping face with wonder, laughing at her unhinged animal impressions, witnessing her become herself—it all felt like a wild gift. I understood why people want more kids, but I was hanging on by a thread. What if having another child broke me? Then I’d fail both the new child and the one I already had. Deciding to have another child would be a huge gamble, and the stakes were terrifyingly high.

I was also worried about the stigma attached to having an only child. I wouldn’t call myself unconventional by any stretch, and I viewed being a “triangle family” as a divergent path. I’d heard all kinds of things about only children, both while growing up and once I was a parent. Two that stand out in my mind: a host on a parenting podcast said offhandedly that one child was basically like having an accessory; the parenting work didn’t start until you had multiple. More recently, a person I follow on Instagram said she would never listen to parenting advice from someone with only one child. Wtf? Even though it was starting to seem like having an only was the right decision for me/my family, it was hard not to feel like I was a less-than mother for it.

When Zadie was around four, after many conversations, Robert and I finally decided we were one and done. The decision didn’t come without grief, and there are still some days I regret that life didn’t line up for us to have another kid. But most of the time, I feel great about our family’s setup. Now that Zadie is almost 10, it feels like we’ve truly gelled as a family and we are right where we’re supposed to be, with our own daily rituals, special traditions, and stock of inside jokes. Still, the only-child family dynamic is unique, and isn’t always covered in mainstream parenting advice. While I’m certainly not an expert, here are six things I’ve learned in my near decade of parenting an only.

1. Get used to being the one to initiate playdates

Our extroverted daughter needs to play with kids her own age, but families with multiple kids don’t have the same acute need for playdates as those with onlies. It can be awkward to forever be the one initiating, but it always feels worth it when your child gets the social outlet they need—and another kid to laugh at their potty humor.

2. Accept the fact that you have to play with your kid

I know moms of multiples who proudly say they don’t play with their kids. That doesn’t fly when you have one child. Playdates can only last so long, but a child’s need for play is high. I once met with a parenting coach and shared about my ambivalence around play—it felt necessary for my daughter’s well-being, but it also made me want to pull my hair out. She gave me a tip: Set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes, focus totally on play, and then when the timer goes off, let your kid know you’re going to do something else while they’re welcome to keep playing. It works! (Most of the time. And especially if the “something else” you’re going off to do is a chore they have no interest in.)

3. Find ways for your kid to experience being one of many

While the myth of the inevitably selfish only child has been debunked, it’s still true that most onlies are the natural focal point of their families, which might lead to some growing pains when they’re in a situation with a lot of kids. We try to remedy that by sending our daughter to aftercare at her elementary school, where she gets to experience chaotic afternoons playing with a ton of kids of various ages (reminds me of my 90s childhood!), while also learning that her needs are not the only ones that matter. While we have not always strictly required the after-school care, we’ve kept Zadie there for the benefits of being part of a pack. Team sports are a good way to achieve this, as well.

4. Hold space for your child’s shifting feelings about being an only

There were a couple of years when my daughter was desperate for a sibling. We live in a community where onlies are rare, and she felt different from her friends, and lonely at times. Now, however, she often expresses gratitude for being an only. I know that her feelings about it will continue to shift throughout her life, and I want her to be able to share them openly with me, so I make sure to validate her feelings instead of getting defensive or giving in to guilt about our choice to have an only.

5. Lean into the good stuff about having an only child

While I’m sometimes sad that Zadie is missing out on the gift of siblings, I want to focus on the positive. I get to pour every ounce of my parental affection into my daughter without worrying I’m not spending enough time with another child. There’s also the obvious financial benefit: We only had to pay for one child’s daycare, and in 10 years, we’ll only pay one kid’s college tuition. And we have more margin in our schedule with only one child’s activities on our calendar, so my husband and I each have a bit of time to focus on our own hobbies or friendships. Oh, and there’s one benefit I’m always reminded of when Zadie has a friend over: I don’t have to deal with the NOISE of multiple kids in the house (or the car, my god). As a person who is super sensitive to noise, this is a huge plus.

6. Ignore the haters

It’s hard wondering if some parents of multiples judge me and my situation. When I complain about parenting, does a mom of three roll her eyes and think if only I knew what her life was like? Do other parents think I couldn’t handle having another child (which is true), or that I was too selfish to want another one? While the stories I shared in the intro prove that some people really do look down on parents of onlies, I’ve had to try and shake off my self-doubt and fear of judgment. Everyone has their own hard things to deal with in life, no matter how many children they do or don’t have.

I know I’ve only been a parent for 10 years, but I feel like I’ve come a long way in understanding the pros and cons and tricks of the trade when it comes to parenting an only. The thing is, I never imagined myself with an only child, but now that we’ve been a “triangle family” for nearly a decade, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Articles

Samin Nosrat Gathers Friends for Dinner Every Week. Here’s How You Can, Too. (NYT gift link) – This was a delightful article (by Samin herself) and I’d love to try something like this…if I can muster up the energy. I do really wish I had some easy, regular time every week when I’m sure to see some friends and have some good conversation. I like how Samin offers a road map on how to do it, along with some troubleshooting for common speed bumps that might come up.

Books

The Names by Florence Knapp - I loved this book! It’s pretty short and it was so absorbing; I couldn’t put it down. It’s about a woman who is going to register her new baby’s name, expected to name him after her domineering and abusive husband. The narrative then splits off into three separate paths, each one showing what would happen if she chose a different name. It’s high concept but, unlike most high concept upmarket fiction, SO well executed.

Light and Air by Mindy Nichols Wendell - Another historical fiction MG! Several weeks ago I told you about The Secret of Honeycake, which takes place in the 1930s. It made me pick up this one, which also takes place in the 30s and follows a girl who moves into a TB sanatorium in the countryside when her mom gets sick. I know that premise sounds kinda icky if you don’t like hospitals, but it was such a sweet story and fascinating to learn about these sanatoriums that used to be so common (and some of them, like in this book, were really excellent facilities where patients spent as much time outdoors as possible—including sleeping outside on “sleeping porches,” even in the winter in western New York!).

Podcasts

Oprah & Richard Rohr on Finding Hope in Uncertain Times (The Oprah Podcast) - As soon as I finished listening to this I sent it to Robert. It’s such a rich and wonderful conversation.

You’re Not Too Old, It’s Not Too Late, with Jamie Golden (Thanks for Asking) - I loved this conversation between Nora McInerny and Jamie Golden about making career/life pivots post-30. They had several people call in and talk about their stories, which was inspiring .

TV

Stick (Apple+) – I’m not going to lie, this show was a slow burn. The first couple episodes I wasn’t so sure, but then I was hooked and it ended up being my favorite kind of heart-warming show, where a bunch of lonely/hurting/lost people end up finding each other and becoming family. (Also I have less than zero interest in golf but was still able to enjoy it.) Marc Maron was a delight and I loved the kid, Santi, and his Timothee Chalamet vibes!

Wrapping Up

I’m curious to hear about your thoughts on your own family dynamic, whether you have an only of five kids. What unique challenges and rewards come with it? Just leave a comment to be part of the conversation here or hit reply if you want to message me privately. I always love hearing from you!

All good things,

Joy