Field Notes from Saying Yes to Fun
Remember how my motto for 2022 is “Say yes to fun”? Like I mentioned a few months ago, there are plenty of factors that inhibit my entering into fun––mainly my roles and responsibilities as a working mom. BUT I’ve also made a few discoveries on my path to fun, and I thought I’d share.
First, just because something “sounds fun” doesn’t mean it will be fun. There’s fun, and then there’s fun. There’s what used to be fun and there’s what’s actually fun now. For instance, I participated in a meetup of readers of my favorite blog (sounds nerdy but if you know, you know). Hanging out with some like minded ladies on a beautiful Saturday morning at Griffith Park in Los Angeles? Sounds like fun! Well, it was enjoyable, but on my drive home I regretted my decision to go. I have such little childfree time, and I realized that extroversion for the sake of extroversion was not a good way to spend that time; all the small talk drained me.
So I think it’s going to take some guess-and-checking to find out what is truly fun for me. In February, my sister and I planned a day trip to Newport Beach with our daughters and re-lived some of our favorite childhood memories, like riding the tiny ferris wheel and having chocolate malts at Ruby’s Diner at the end of the pier. It was fun! Then in March, I splurged on tickets to see the John Mayer concert with Robert and had so much fun. When John Mayer came on stage and played the opening chords of “Last Train Home,” I started laughing out loud, and noticed a lot of people around me were laughing too. The joy just bubbled up in us and spilled out. It was communal effervescence at its finest, and I want more of that.
My lovely friend Jennifer is on her own rediscovery of fun and recently hosted a magical dinner party for 10 other women with the theme of FUN. As we sat around the table in her backyard under the cafe lights, so many of us swore up and down, “I used to be fun!” We talked about what we wish for now (I may or may not have expressed my desire for some version of Fight Club but for moms), and some of the women shared their own fun outlets, like going on dance-runs or blissing out at Phish concerts. We brainstormed an entire whiteboard full of fun ideas, from a silent disco at Venice Beach to trapeze lessons to a full-on slumber party weekend complete with edibles.
But in my year of saying “yes” to fun, I’m realizing something: no matter how fun a situation might be, it’s the mindset that will be the biggest obstacle for me. I’m just so damn serious. I often think about this anecdote Anne Lamott talks about in her book Bird By Bird:
In the Bill Murray movie Stripes, in which he joins the army, there is a scene that takes place the first night of boot camp, where Murray’s platoon is assembled in the barracks. They are supposed to be getting to know their sergeant, played by Warren Oates, and one another. So each man takes a few moments to say a few things about who he is and where he is from. Finally it is the turn of this incredibly intense, angry guy named Francis. “My name is Francis;’ he says. “No one calls me Francis - anyone here calls me Francis and I’ll kill them. And another thing. I don’t like to be touched. Anyone here ever tries to touch me, I’ll kill them;’ at which point Warren Oates jumps in and says, “Hey — lighten up, Francis.”
I tell myself that sometimes: “Lighten up, Francis.” Last month I participated in a workshop all about finding your personal style. I found myself feeling agitated about how to achieve this Platonic ideal of a “classic, timeless, casual chic” style I came up with. In the workshop’s Zoom call I tried to articulate my angst. The leader listened thoughtfully and said, as gently as possible, something along the lines of, “You’re taking this too seriously.” I’d taken something that was supposed to be FUN––clothes! style! self expression!––and bogged it down with my perfectionism and navel-gazing. Lighten up, Francis.
I’m trying not to beat myself up about my tendency to take everything too seriously. I keep thinking about this quote from Pema Chodron: “We can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years . . . The point is not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.”
So that’s my hope as I continue in this year of saying yes to fun. I hope I can say “yes” to my serious little self, take her by the hand, and say “Lighten up, Francis. And if you can’t, that’s OK. There will always be another chance for fun.”
Articles
Writing a Cookbook Taught Me What Home Really Means (Cup of Jo) - This excerpt from Eric Kim's new cookbook, Korean American, is so beautiful and heartwarming.
Seeing Who My Child Really Is, Across the Basketball Court (Motherwell) - I really enjoyed this essay about letting our children be who they are. I loved the imagery she used from a poem about children being arrows and we are the bow who bends to let them fly.
TV
The Afterparty (Apple+) - This was a fun comedy with an interesting mystery angle. I especially liked the way it played with the idea of memory and perspective. The finale was satisfying. I recommend it!
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Season 4 (Prime) - I have loved this show since it's beginning but I'm not going to lie, this season started out shaky at first! But it really picked up in the second half and I can say I'm still very much looking forward to the next batch of episodes, whenever they might come out. The costumes are still amazing, Miriam's comedy sets are always awesome, and her chemistry with Lenny Bruce is off the charts.
Books
Miracles and Other Ordinary Things by Sarah Bessey - I loved this read. It was my first book by Sarah Bessey and I wonder what took me so long? I love how she articulates her spiritual journey from fundamentalist upbringing to a deconstructed, progressive, yet still ardent and orthodox faith.
Foreverland by Heather Havrilesky - This is a brutally honest look at marriage (and, tangentially, motherhood) and I loved it. I laughed out loud many, many times. The author is boldly "the villain of the story" by laying out all of her selfishness and neuroses to help all of us feel better about ourselves, our marriages, and our lives. If you are sick of seeing glossed over depictions of marriage, this is a refreshing tonic.
How to Break Up with Your Phone by Catherine Price - This is a short, practical book, with the first half properly scaring you into breaking up with your phone with its facts about the way our attention, memory, thoughts, sleep, social lives, etc., are damaged by our constant phone use. The second half has a bunch of very practical tips on how to make your phone more of a tool and less of an appendage.
Product
The Libby app and Overdrive - If you are not using these two apps to borrow ebooks and audiobooks from your public library, it's time to download them! Two everyday things in my life I often consider miraculous are 1) unfettered access to clean drinking water, and 2) the public library. All the books your heart desires, for free!! I'll never get over it. I've been using these apps more than usual, too, because I am fasting podcasts for Lent (to avoid information overload) and have listened to a couple of audiobooks instead. For free!!
Wrapping Up
How are things going for you? We did a little spring break trip to San Francisco, which was both fun and exhausting. Life feels like it's ramping up and sometimes I have the energy to ramp up with it and sometimes I want to hide in a cave and rewatch all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls. What have you been watching or reading lately? What have you been doing for fun? I'd love to hear!
All Good Things,
Joy
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P.P.S. I've decided not to obsess over typos or formatting, in the interest of actually sending these out semi-regularly. I know this is ironic since my day job as an editor is to obsess over typos, etc. Thanks for understanding!