You may notice things look different around here. I finally switched from TinyLetter to Substack. TinyLetter is super glitchy and hard to use, but also I realized that having a newsletter *not* on Substack is almost like having a podcast that’s not on Apple Podcasts. I want people to be able to easily find and share Midweek Joy. Also, comments might be fun? We’ll see!
Zadie has been into pranks lately. She likes saying, “Oh no, Asher pooped on the floor in my room!” so I’ll come running. The other day while I was in the shower Zadie decided to hide in my bedroom closet so I would have to come find her when I was done. But after I found her, I wondered how long she’d been in there. I had been taking my time in the shower and also doing my makeup afterward. I imagined her standing in the dark of my closet, the sleeves of my shirts resting on her shoulders. What did she do while she stood there quietly?
It made me think about how kids are so good at simply existing, since they haven’t yet been inducted into the Cult of the Smartphone. Zadie can sit at the kitchen table and eat her breakfast without needing to look at a phone, without needing to listen to a podcast or music. She’s content to simply . . . eat, which is a practice I’ve struggled with for a long time (even pre-smartphone, I always liked to read while I ate, or later, once I had a laptop in my 20s, watch a rerun of Gilmore Girls).
I know I’ve said it here before, but the past few years I’ve been more aware than ever at how my attention and focus have changed in the past decade of smartphone use. I wouldn’t call myself someone who is a heavy smartphone user, but I still kept having this nagging discomfort with my shrinking ability to be alone with my thoughts.
I’ve played with a lot of different practices and techniques to get unhooked from my phone, including a 24-hour “Tech Shabbat” every week (we abandoned this a while ago but I still put my phone away on Friday evenings from dinner through the next morning) and using my iPhone’s screen time limit feature. Last spring I read How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price, a great little book with the arguments for why you should break up with your phone and then a bunch of practical tips on how to do it. From that book and from my own trial and error, here are some things that have worked for me:
Removing social media apps from my phone
If I want to post on Instagram, I just reinstall the app, put up the post, and delete the app again within 24 hours. Whenever I do have it on my phone I’m reminded of how hard it is to stop scrollinga! I can still check in on my computer’s browser; it’s just not as fun/addictive.
Turning my phone to “grayscale” most of the time
This setting removes the color from your phone and makes it a lot less fun to look at (and red notification bubbles lose their power!). Here’s how to create a shortcut on your phone to change it back and forth to grayscale and color. I just have to hit my home button three times and it toggles to color for when I want to use my phone’s camera, etc.
Having my phone on silent most of the time
It is MUCH harder to not look at your phone when you actually hear the ding of an incoming text, so silencing helps. I almost never get urgent texts and if someone calls, I usually catch the vibrating noise in time to pick it up.
Putting a hairband around my phone as a physical block from turning it on
Creating a physical barrier to turning on your phone, as simple as a hairband, is surprisingly effective in breaking that habit of picking up your phone a million times a day.
Removing email from my phone
In some ways this felt like the final frontier for me. Even after removing social media apps, I still would constantly check my email! Listen, I don’t get *that* many emails. But I wanted that dopamine hit of checking and seeing a new message, even if it was an alert about needing to get my car’s tires rotated. Removing the email app from my phone has drastically cut down my need to look at it. Sometimes I still have the urge to pick it up and then I realize there’s just nothing to check! (However, I’ve found my brain desperately wants to check something. I have to be aware of what I try to replace this with . . . checking my podcast feed for new episodes, checking the weather app, checking Goodreads reviews, etc.!)
Challenging myself to not look at my phone when I’m waiting somewhere
If I’m waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting at the doctor’s office, wherever––I make it a personal challenge to not look at my phone. If I know I’m going to be in a waiting situation, like at the doctor, I try to remember to bring a physical book or my Kindle so I can read. For short waiting periods, like at a coffee shop or at the grocery store, I try my best to just look around, think my thoughts, and people watch. One funny thing I’ve noticed is that people seem more eager to help you when you’re not looking at your phone. I’ve never had so many, “It will just be another moment, miss” comments as when I just stand there waiting. So I guess it’s kind of a power move?
Most of all, I’ve tried to retrain my brain to view my phone as a tool rather than entertainment. That’s the filter I want to use when it comes to the apps I download, as well. Maps, camera, phone, texting, Uber, Apple Pay, the notes app––these are all wonderful tools that help me communicate, capture memories, and get around conveniently in this futuristic world of ours. I do use my phone to listen to podcasts and music, as well, but the main thing is I’m trying to keep myself from staring down at it all the time.
I still struggle sometimes, like when I go down a research rabbit hole on my phone’s web browser, or I spend too long looking at Airbnb listings, or I reach for it first thing in the morning to see which new podcasts dropped in an effort to jolt my sleepy brain awake with a little squirt of dopamine. But I do feel like I’ve come a long way. How’s your relationship with your phone? Any tips or tricks you want to share? I’d love to hear!
ARTICLES
The Humbling Tyranny of the Photos Our Kids Take of Us (Romper) - This is v. relatable and also the photos are hilarious. Also, I’m shocked how many people keep these horrible photos their kids take? I delete mine immediately.
The Joy of Letting Loose (NY Times) - This made me so happy! All the images and videos are so nostalgic and make me want to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off just to see the parade scene again.
Life Is Easier with a Fake Assistant (The Cut) - Would you create a fake assistant for yourself? I was so intrigued and delighted by this piece. (Bonus question: If you did create a fake assistant for yourself, what would their name be?)
BOOKS
Good Inside by Becky Kennedy - I didn’t know if I would get much out of this book since I follow Dr. Becky (“the Millennial parenting whisperer”) on Instagram, but wow, this book is amazing. The way she lays out the information is so good, and I found myself applying things right away with Zadie (and with my own inner child––*sob*). I recommend listening to the book because it’s helpful to hear her tone when she describes interactions with a child.
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler - I’m almost done with this book and I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more seen as a perfectionist? This author/therapist understands the perfectionist mindset so well (and knows it’s not about having your external space/appearance perfect!). The author’s voice irked me at times but mostly I would heartily recommend this to my perfectionist sisters out there!
We Dream of Space by Erin Entrada Kelly - Yes, this is a middle grade book! I wrote more about my thoughts on reading middle grade as an adult here. This book is about three siblings and how they’re impacted by the Challenger explosion in the 80s. It also features a mom who’s in the throes of a feminist awakening, which is just fascinating to watch from the kids’ point of view.
TV
Shrinking (Apple+) - This is the best show I’ve watched all year. I could literally watch this every single night. It hits all the right notes for me. Think Ted Lasso but with therapists and you’ll get the gist of this comedy with just enough emotional complexity to make it stick to your ribs.
Ted Lasso (Apple+) - Duh. If you haven’t gotten on the Ted Lasso train, it’s never too late! Apple+ is so cheap. Pause your Netflix for a month, subscribe to Apple+, and just watch all the shows I’ve recommended in the past few years ;) We rewatched the second season of Ted Lasso in anticipation of the third season’s release and wow it holds up (not like I thought it wouldn’t!).
PRODUCT
Instapaper - This app has been great for me since I can spend WAY too much of my day clicking on links and consuming information. With Instapaper, I can just press the little “I” in my browser’s toolbar and know that the article is saved for me to read later when I have some time. A lot of these articles I never read, or might just skim and then archive, but it helps me curb FOMO and stay on task when those tempting little headlines pop up!
WRAPPING UP
Some personal news: I quit my full-time job! I’m making a go of it as a freelance editor and this is the first week of my new life of being my own boss. It’s scary and exciting in equal measures. I am very open to taking on projects so please send them my way! (Email referrals to joynetanyathompson@gmail.com)
Also, I can’t send something out this week without acknowledging the horrific shooting in Nashville. Last spring in the aftermath of Uvalde I wrote about letting the grief in; it still very much applies.
How are you doing? Does it feel like spring in your neck of the woods? What are you thinking about lately, what are you watching and reading, what are you looking forward to? I love hearing from you!
All Good Things,
Joy
I so relate to all of the phone thoughts! I've been working on my phone use this year too. Congrats on freelance editing and quitting your job!! Big news!
Glad to see you on substack! But really just glad to be reading your words!