I Thought I’d Be a More Evolved Mother By Now

Still on the fence about motherhood, seven years in

My first Mother’s Day with Zadie, 2016 | Denver, Colorado

The transition to motherhood was, to put it mildly, a difficult one for me. I’d never really liked babies or toddlers but I knew I wanted to experience motherhood and have a family, so I figured I had to rip off the band-aid sooner or later. Secretly, though, I hoped that I’d surprise myself and take to motherhood like a duck to water—or better, like a swan, like an Instagram mom who makes it all look so effortless and beautiful.

Instead, I floundered. I sputtered and kicked and couldn’t find much about motherhood that felt natural at all. The worst part was, I felt alone in my struggle. I joined a postpartum support group at a birth center near our home, and all the mothers there made it seem so easy. I’ll never forget the day we shared our birth stories and one mom, after sharing hers, said, “And it’s just been bliss ever since.” I felt the familiar wash of shame, thinking there must be something wrong with me. I loved Zadie from day one, but I wasn’t over the moon in love with her until months later. She was a terrifying, alien creature needing 24/7 care from me, a person who had never enjoyed caring for anyone except my dog.

When I stumbled on Dr. Alexandra Sacks’s work on maternal ambivalence, I clung to it as a lifeline. Suddenly my rocky transition to motherhood was normalized. A professional was telling me it was normal to not take to round-the-clock caregiving immediately. It was normal to regularly fantasize about having a time machine to visit my old life with all its freedom. It was normal to both love my baby more than I thought possible and wonder if I ever should have become a mother in the first place.

But here’s the thing: I’d assumed I would grow out of maternal ambivalence. Sacks’s work focuses on the idea of “matrescence,” the developmental transition to motherhood. I thought that by the time Zadie reached kindergarten, my matrescence would be complete and I would be at peace with my role as a mom, no longer yearning for my old pre-kid life. I would have integrated my old self and my new self into this evolved, wise woman who could lean into motherhood and into her own dreams and desires at the same time.

Instead, here I am, seven years in and still resisting the constraints of motherhood like a toddler arching her back in a car seat. Recently I was talking with friends about our favorite things to do in the summer, and I felt almost painfully nostalgic for my 20s, when outdoor concerts and Shakespeare in the park were regular events on my social calendar. Of course it’s possible to attend an outdoor concert this summer with Zadie—we’ve done a few with her—or get a babysitter and go as a couple, but it’s not the same. There’s this ease, this freedom, this autonomy that I’m craving lately, that feels gone forever. I keep wishing for huge swaths of time to read, to think, to write, and then I realize the next season when I’ll have that much free time I’ll be an empty nester. Despite my ambivalence toward motherhood, I don’t want to wish away even a day of Zadie’s childhood that’s already flying by at an alarming speed.

I feel guilty for my longing for freedom from responsibility and caregiving, because I do truly believe that Zadie is the greatest gift of my life and being her mother my greatest privilege. When I want time away from the family to tend to my own needs or pursue my own dreams, this many-headed judgment monster rises up, full of accusations: “How dare you be so ungrateful for your perfectly healthy child!” “You know you only have 18 years with her under your roof—you should cherish every moment!” “A parent who has lost a child would do anything for what you have right now.” “You’re so selfish—your autonomy and freedom can wait. Life is long, and these family years are short.”

I know. It’s a picnic living in my head, trust me.

But that inner monologue reveals this all-or-nothing mentality that I keep finding myself trapped in. Whenever I pull apart something I’m agonizing over, the root of it is usually this kind of dualistic thinking that can’t allow two things to be true at once. It’s like my brain goes, “does not compute” in a little robot voice. If I wish I weren’t a mother, then I must be a monster. If I am tired of the relentless caregiving required by motherhood and family life, I must not love my child very much. If I’m desperate for time alone for solitude and creative work, it must mean that I never should have had a child.

All this to say, I wish more people talked about maternal ambivalence through the motherhood journey. That it’s not just for when your baby is a stranger and you’re learning the ropes. That wanting a break from motherhood doesn’t make you a monster. Kate Baer is someone leading the way in this and I’m so grateful to her. Recently she wrote on her Instagram stories about her fourth child being an unwanted pregnancy. Now her child is five, and she reflected on her deep love for this child while also regretting the pain and suffering that pregnancy and postpartum period caused her. Both things can be true, she pointed out, and both are necessary to say out loud.

So, if it helps you at all (and at the risk of some of you thinking I’m a monster), I’m putting my own “both things” out there. Just a little step in the practice of leaning into the “and” of motherhood, of womanhood, of life itself.

I can love Zadie more than anything in the world and sometimes I wish I weren’t a mother.

I want to spend more time on myself and my interests, and I am a loving, involved mother.

I can let my needs take up space in my family life and I can love my family and care for them wholeheartedly.

Articles

“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” Helped Jolt Me Out of Mom Burnout (Romper) – My first piece in Romper kind of gets into some of what I talked about above, and how the new film surprised me by helping me connect to the deep joy of mothering a daughter.

“So You’ve Decided Not to Blow Mother’s Day” by

Evie Ebert

- I loved this very helpful, funny advice for those “dude partners who struggle with the first mile/last mile problem in executing a pleasant experience.”

We Don’t Perform Motherhood for Our Kids (The Cut) - A fantastic excerpt from the new book Momfluenced by Sara Petersen of

In Pursuit of Clean Countertops

. Ugh, momfluencers. I definitely wonder how much their influence contributes to my self-judgment. I just picked up the book from the library and will report back.

TV/Movies

Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret (in theaters now) - As you can tell from my article above (did you read my article?!), I LOVED this movie. I’m a Judy Blume fan for life, but even so, this movie was just pure joy and heart. I highly recommend it! (Probably won’t show it to Zadie till she’s 10 or so, but use your own discretion.)

Mythic Quest (Apple+) - We just finished season 3 and I know I’ve recommended this show here before, but this season just got better and better through the finale. If you love workplace comedies (think Brooklyn 99, Ted Lasso, Parks and Rec), you’ll love this. To me it feels fresh and surprising.

Books

The Love Prescription by John and Julie Gottmann - This is such a great little book about marriage. The chapters are super short and digestible; I read about one a week until I finished. It’s full of helpful, practical ways to nurture your relationship and especially to focus on cleaning up your side of the street when it comes to your marriage.

Podcasts

Michelle Zauner on We Can Do Hard Things - The author of Crying in H Mart was such an awesome guest on this show—a lot of times the hosts ask kind of reductive questions but she kept giving these really nuanced, unexpected answers. They talk a lot about mothers/being mothered so it’s perfect for this week!

Redefining Motherhood and the Power of “And” (Life After Birth with Yara podcast) - This is a new-to-me podcast but I really enjoyed this short episode that really felt like she was reading my diary! If you want more on maternal ambivalence/mom guilt and how to deal with it, this is perfect.

Products

Nisolo Five for Five Club - If you love Nisolo shoes/bags (all sustainably made leather), this is a crazy deal. You get two items (pair of shoes, bag, etc.) a year for five years for $500. OK, that’s a lot of money. But I bought my beloved huaraches from them last summer for like $130. So you’re getting 10 pairs of boots, mules, whatever, for $50 each! Robert and I decided to share the membership, so every six months one of us gets to pick out a pair of Nisolos. I just got their all-day mules and love them! If you don’t want to do the Five for Five deal and just want one pair of Nisolos, here’s a $50 off code.

Kid Recs

Hey, hey, new feature! A couple of things I’ve enjoyed with Zadie lately:

Kiff (Disney+) - I’m not even a fan of cartoons (except Bluey of course) but this show genuinely makes me laugh. It’s so creative and funny and a little weird. Zadie loves it!

Ivy and Bean series - We have been thoroughly enjoying this chapter book series together. They are actually funny and I’m in awe of the author, Annie Barrows, and the way she’s able to get into the minds of kids (Ivy and Bean are 7 years old) so well! There’s also a show on Netflix but of course I’m going to tell you to read the books first.

Wrapping Up

Mother’s Day is coming up in a few days and we all know how fraught that can be. I try to just have low expectations! And if I really want to, I’ll buy myself something (I mean, I did just get tickets to see Maggie Rogers at the Hollywood Bowl this summer…). How are you feeling about motherhood these days? (Whether you’re a mother or not, you probably have some thoughts!) What are you reading/watching/listening to and loving? I’m always thrilled to hear from you!

All Good Things,

Joy