I live in LA County and was not in danger at any point this month, but there is no denying that being in Los Angeles the past few weeks—hell, being in Southern California at all—has been a trip. To start the new year exhausted and wrung out from the holidays, ready for a fresh start, and instead to feel like the rug was pulled out from under us. The loss is huge. I lived and worked in Pasadena for several years and Altadena was a part of my life. It’s hard to believe so much of it is gone.
The day after the fires, my sister told me she was out for a walk and it felt like early pandemic. Just the general mood was…apocalyptic. I’d been having kind of emotional flashbacks to early COVID as well…the feeling that the ground underneath your feet is shifting, and the future is a giant question mark.
Then there’s our country’s regime change, kicked off on January 20. It’s hard not to feel like everything is falling apart. But then I wonder, hasn’t it always felt like everything is falling apart? I mean yeah the pandemic was a once in a hundred years phenomenon (fingers crossed lol). But wars, natural disasters, local tragedies, political drama—it’s nothing new. I wonder if what’s new for me is that I now take it all in through an adult’s eyes. I didn’t pay much attention to the news until my 30s, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening.
Maybe middle age is when you have so much more to lose, so the state of the world feels more menacing, since it can collapse all you’ve carefully built, blow up what you’ve lovingly cultivated.
Anne Helen Petersen talks about “the portal”, that time in a woman’s late thirties and early forties that feels like an upheaval, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. I was 35 when the pandemic started, which really messed with any (false) sense of certainty I’d ever had. But I think I truly entered the portal when my dad died a few months into COVID. Losing a parent—really, any massive grief—is a portal itself. It changes the way you move in the world, just like how motherhood seems to change every cell in your body. In the four years after my dad died, I also grieved the loss of my grandmother, my grandfather, and most recently, my dog of 10 years. Of course the loss of a dog is not the same as the loss of a human family member, but the way loss and grief works, they’re like a through line: touch one part, and suddenly all of it is awake and buzzing. My dog Asher’s death unearthed fresh grief for my dad and my grandparents. The loss of the beautiful town of Altadena reawakened my grief over my recent loss of Asher.
So maybe that’s part of why early middle age feels so destabilizing. Because many of us, by now, have experienced enough loss to know that nothing is ever permanent. And that knowledge can lead to a lot of responses: creative urgency; career ambition; restlessness; dissatisfaction with the choices we’ve made and the places we’ve ended up. Because when you’re 40, there’s still time to remake everything. Even if what you’re remaking has just as much of a chance of standing tall and strong for decades, or getting washed away, like a sandcastle, in an instant.
Books
Meditations for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman - I loved Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks and I might like this one even better. The chapters are short and digestible, and each one gave me a lot to think about. Hopefully it’s helped me shift my perspective by a few degrees.
TV/Movies
My Old Ass (Prime) - Like everyone says: terrible title, great movie. I loved this and it gives you a lot to think about re: worldview when you’re young vs. when you’re a little older (but not old).
Shrinking, season 2 (Apple+) - This show is as close to TV perfection as it gets. I must be their exact target demo, but I cannot get enough of it! I love the cast, the writing, the found family vibes, the houses/setting, Gaby’s clothes…If a new episode came out every single night I’d watch it.
Somebody, Somewhere (Max) - We just finished the third and final season of this truly unique, funny, tender show. The character development over the three short seasons is absolutely phenomenal, the star (Bridget Everett) is amazing, and it’s also super funny. This show is seriously a balm. This is a good time to watch it!
Podcasts
Vibe Check - This is a general podcast rec, not just for an episode. I’ve been looking forward to this podcast every Wednesday . . . the three hosts are all so smart and warm and real. They talk about things I want to talk about, and often offer a different perspective. The episode a couple weeks ago with an interview with a guy who was part of the firefighting program while incarcerated was very good. Let me know if you end up checking it out!
“Post-Inauguration Family Meeting” on We Can Do Hard Things - This episode was exactly what I needed. The two guests, Brittney Cooper and Rebecca Traister, are so incredibly smart and wise and hopeful yet grounded. They do such a good job of putting our current situation in the context of history and I felt more grounded and hopeful myself after listening.
Product
Hot water bottle - The other day a friend mentioned that he wanted to get an electric blanket, and both Robert and I were like, “Why? Just use a hot water bottle!” Our friends were baffled lol. I guess it’s old fashioned but hot water bottles are amazing. They’re easy to use and safe. You can use it for warmth, for cramps, for comfort, whatever. Zadie sometimes wants one if she has a tummy ache or it’s a particularly cold night. Oh and there are so many cute ones out there! Mine is kinda similar to this.
Wrapping Up
Was this newsletter a bit too depressing? I hope not! A ton of you responded to my comments about early middle age (and clicked on Brene Brown’s article on the “midlife unraveling”) in my last newsletter about my changing relationship to beauty in my 40s, so I figure I’m not alone here. I’d like to do a bit of a series on entering midlife/your 40s. Any topics you’d be interested to read about?
Let me know how you are doing and what you are reading/watching/listening to these days, or if you check out one of my recs and loved it (or hated it!). I always love hearing from you, whether in the comments or when you hit “reply” to this email.
All Good Things,
Joy
Really appreciate these thoughts on midlife as I’m creeping closer to 40!
Thank you for listing the podcasts, I've listened to both and enjoyed their content. We are living in crazy times. Each generation is faced with unique situations (Spanish influenza, the Great Depression, WW1, WW2 and the other wars, recessions, tech bubbles, etc). What is unique what we are currently experiencing is different - we have been divided and conquered by hate, fear, self-centered behaviors, greed, evil, list list goes on. Hopefully this is temporary. I'm not sure what its going to take to re-engage 50% of the population and to move everyone forward in a more positive direction. My hope is: eventually, people will wake up and take stock of what they've become and return (one by one) to helping their neighbors, creating opportunities for those less fortunate, working towards the common good regardless of "whats in it for you"... only time and actions will tell. Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde has started the path...let's follow her lead. Heck, even Chef Jose Andres if you want veer from any religious issues.... seek people who are actively taking steps to improve things and not take away.