Is This the Sweet Spot of Parenting?

It was a slog to get here

I’ve always said that motherhood did not come naturally to me. It was easy to love my daughter, but so very hard to suddenly adjust to a life of round-the-clock caregiving. A couple years ago I compared motherhood to a marathon, but now that Zadie is 9, I’m in a different space. The first few years of her life, say from zero to three, dragged on so slowly I thought I’d never get out of them. Maybe that’s because each day felt endless. Even though babies and toddlers are changing and growing at a thrilling pace, the sameness of days with them is a little less than thrilling. The drawn-out feeding times, the naps, the agonizingly slow pace of a wonderstruck toddler (even as you intermittently feel wonder right alongside them), and oh god the pretend play (I will always remember the meme that said “I hate when I play with my kid for 6 hours and it turns out it was only 15 minutes”).

But when Zadie was three, things got a little more exciting. We could go more places, do more things. We went to Disneyland (and had fun). We took her to her first movie when she was four. She could have conversations (kind of). She had a sense of humor that was clearly developing, along with a very spicy and smart personality. But still, it was a slog. Robert and I loved to joke about sending our preschooler to military or boarding school to shape up. In my mind, 5 years old was the big corner we’d turn where everything got so much easier. I’d be home free.

Welp, turns out five is still pretty young. Kindergarteners still have sleep issues, get sick a lot, and become belligerent when they’re overtired. (Kindergarten was also when Zadie had appendicitis, which threw us all for a loop.)

But, since starting elementary school, every year truly has gotten a little easier. Of course there’s the old saying about little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. And I can already attest to that. I’ve felt more heart-wrenching pain over Zadie’s emotional pain than I thought possible. I’m pretty sure sometimes my grief or angst on her behalf is bigger than her own grief or angst about an issue (I think that’s what my therapist friends would call projection), and I know these feelings of anxiety and disappointment and hope will only get more intense as she gets older and the stakes get higher.

Despite the new “big kid problems,” though, this—smack dab in the middle of elementary school—has been my favorite age so far. Zadie just finished third grade, and she’s actually learning stuff that she wants to talk to us about. She comes home with hilarious or bewildering stories about her classmates’ antics. She recently became obsessed with playing handball, so much so that we finally started getting to school at the first bell for the last couple months of the year. When she has a friend over, they can actually play by themselves without needing me to referee or facilitate or make a million snacks. She’s thoughtful and empathetic and forming opinions about the world. We get to have family movie nights where we all actually like the movie, and we’ve even started watching some non-kid shows together (currently watching an old season of The Amazing Race—I highly recommend!). We go on trips and actually enjoy ourselves. We have a bunch of inside jokes as a family. She’s just easier to be around in general.

And now that things finally feel a little easier, a little less like trudging uphill through mud every day, I’m struck with the realization that this time will be over in the blink of an eye. I’ve never been a mom who mourns that I only have 18 summers with my kid, but now I’m sitting here dwelling on the fact that we only have two more years of elementary school, and then she’ll be a tween and probably think I’m the cringiest human alive, and she’ll start middle school, and for all intents and purposes, her childhood—or what most of us think of as childhood—will be over. Of course she’ll still be a child and depend on us to provide for her and guide her and everything. But puberty will swoop in and wreak havoc, and her friends will have phones, and suddenly people will be having crushes and dating and all the drama that brings. And those carefree, un-self-conscious days of playing handball like her life depended on it and jumping into the pool without worrying about her hair and believing her mom and dad know everything there is to know will be over.

It’s like an hourglass: At first, it takes forever for the sand to trickle down to the bottom, but once you get down to those last few minutes, it disappears at lightning speed. I used to fantasize about going on a big trip with Robert soon, one where we’d have to leave Zadie with family for a week or something, and now I’m like, Let’s wait till she’s 14 and we can’t stand each other. Because this is the family life I always envisioned when I thought of having kids, and it will be over before I know it, so I want to be here for every grain of sand, every second of her still-bright, untarnished childhood.

Books

The Wedding People by Alison Epsach – This was on a lot of people’s “best of 2024” lists and it definitely lives up to the hype! Such amazing writing, great characters, and incredibly readable. I felt like every time I picked it up I was turning on a really good movie.

The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo – I loved this family saga that spanned 40 years. It’s really long and mostly filled with unlikeable characters but somehow it works, and I found myself thinking a lot about the characters for more than a week afterward, which to me is a sign of a good book!

The Good Mother Myth by Nancy Reddy – I really wish I had this book when I first became a mother. It’s very eye-opening to see where so many of our culture’s ideas of what makes a good mother come from (spoiler alert: mostly shoddy experiments done by white men in the mid-20th century). It definitely takes away some of their power.

TV/Movies

The Pitt (HBO Max) – The most compelling television I have seen in a long time. I’m not usually into medical shows but I was absolutely riveted by this one and was so sad when it was over. Yes, I had to look away/cover my eyes for about 10 percent of each episode because I’m squeamish, but it was worth it.

The Four Seasons (Netflix) – This was such a fun show! The last two episodes were a little less fun but still really good. I laughed out loud a ton and fell in love with most of the characters. I heard mixed reviews about this one but I think that’s because if you’re, say, in your 30s and single, it might seem depressing, but if you’re middle aged and married, it’s hilarious.

A Complete Unknown (Hulu) – Finally watched this last night and it was SO good. There’s a ton of music in it, which, duh, but I mean they really take their time with the music and don’t rush through any of the performances. Timothee Chalamet as Bob Dylan is a revelation. And I was also so into a lot of the 60s styles the women were wearing!

Podcasts

Good Hang with Amy Poehler – I’m loving Amy Poehler’s new podcast! It’s so easy to listen to and so funny. The Seth Meyers one and the Will Forte one were so funny, and I also loved the one with Michelle Obama.

Las Culturistas with Amy Poehler – Obviously I’m on a kick, but Amy on Las Culturistas (Bowen Yang’s podcast) was a fount of wisdom. She talks about being an Enneagram 8 in the second half of life, Miss Piggy, how the Muppets are in every corner of her psyche, and more. Very good listen.

IMO with Michelle Obama – I am also on a Michelle Obama kick! I feel like she’s my surrogate aunt right now or something. Kind of like my new Brene Brown (whose podcast I miss so much!) I love how sure of herself she is, how opinionated she is, and how she talks about parenting. Her podcast is with her brother, and he balances her out nicely. I liked the one called “The Lessons Our Mothers Taught Us” and the one with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach.

PSA

My PSA this newsletter is watching family-friendly reality shows with your kids! OK probably most of you already do this. But we aren’t a huge reality tv family, and most scripted shows for Zadie’s age are either insufferable for us, or they are a little too mature (we almost finished Young Sheldon, but the storylines kept getting more and more mature). We’re pretty strict with TV and movies when it comes to sex and violence, so that’s a consideration for us. So far, we’ve watched Beast Games (very fun/psychologically fascinating, but oh man I cannot stand Mr. Beast) and all three seasons of The Traitors (so good, but there is cursing, and the third season for some reason they are allowed to say the “f” word?! I joked that after this show Zadie’s had a masterclass in cursing 🙈). And now we’ve started an old season of The Amazing Race, which so far has been incredibly family friendly and scratches my travel itch a little!

Wrapping Up

Things have been pretty good for us lately (I say that aware of my extreme privilege and luck, considering everything going on in the world). It’s the second week of summer for Zadie and she’s at sleepaway camp right now! It’s a huge rite of passage and I’m having so many feelings about it. How are you doing? How’s your summer shaping up? What are you reading, watching, looking forward to? And what’s been your sweet spot of parenting so far, if you’re a parent? Leave a comment or hit reply if you’re reading this as an email. I always love hearing from you!

All Good Things,
Joy

P.S. In an effort to get this newsletter out more often, I’m not obsessively editing it. Please forgive any typos!