When Zadie reached the age of drop-off playdates last year, I dreamed of Saturday afternoons quietly reading a book while Zadie and her playmate entertained each other. Imagine my surprise and disappointment, then, when her first few playdates were actually more work for me: fielding constant snack requests, diverting messy play (why is mud her favorite activity?), and breaking up fights (turns out, three friends is still a doomed tricky dynamic). Then there’s one friend who has a tendency of following me around, attempting to make small talk while I’m trying to just listen to a podcast in peace.
The thing that constantly surprises me during these playdates is how assertive Zadie and her friends are. I recently stumbled on a Parents article about this generation of kids (Generation Alpha, apparently) being nicknamed the “honey badger generation.” According to the article, these kids are “strong-willed, ambitious, spicy, and confident.” The expert they quoted said this cohort is “fearless, tenacious, always go after what they want without a second thought, and never back down from a challenge,” much like the fearless animal in the “Honey Badger Don’t Care” meme from the 2010s.
Of course, sweeping observations about generations should be taken with a grain of salt, but I found the article thought provoking. What made this generation so persistent and unapologetically bold? The article pointed to factors like the pandemic, technology, and parenting styles, but it was the last one that rings the most true for me.
We Millennial parents are saturated with information about how to raise children “correctly” so that we don’t crush their spirits or traumatize them. Gentle parenting is a major trend, and I’ve followed it for the most part, listening to Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled podcast when Zadie was a toddler, then becoming a Dr. Becky devotee as Zadie entered her elementary years.
Recently I watched a video where Dr. Becky explained that tantrums are a sign of mental health because “underneath the tantrum is a foundational self-belief: I am someone who’s allowed to want things for myself.” Kids in the 80s and 90s might have suppressed their feelings, needs, and desires because they were either met with indifference or scorn. But now expressing wants and desires is being framed as a good thing, and that leads to some pretty tough parenting moments. It’s cute when a precocious 4-year-old articulates their strongly held opinions (we joked about how Zadie could run for president), but when they’re 8 and still thinking the world revolves around them, not so much.
We’re not trying to raise little monsters, but it’s a classic generational pendulum swing: Millennials who grew up believing their wants didn’t matter might be accidentally raising kids who believe their wants are the only thing that matters. Feeding into this phenomenon is the way gentle parenting easily slides into permissive parenting, especially if you don’t have a psychology degree to parse the nuances of validating your kids’ desires without indulging them.
I keep wondering how to walk the middle road here. How can I encourage Zadie’s “big CEO energy” as I call it, while still teaching her that flexibility, compromise, and humility are valuable qualities? How can I shut down her whining and obnoxious demands without making her feel shut down as a person?
A good friend of mine has three daughters, and a different parenting style than me. She doesn’t feel the need to be their cruise director like I do with Zadie and her friends and she’s much more confident embodying her authority as a parent. When her girls were over at my house for a playdate recently, I saw the fruits of her parenting style. They played for five hours with Zadie and no one needed me once. I offered snacks and they were happy to state their preferences, but there was no pushiness, no trying to take over as if I’m not a competent adult perfectly capable of packing a picnic basket for the park.
These girls were a delight to have over, and Zadie loves spending time with them more than almost anyone. They weren’t shrinking violets, they showed no signs of crushed spirits. They acted like happy, well adjusted children who could enjoy life even when it didn’t come on their terms. Instead of honey badgers, they were otters––playful and floating along with the tides. The question is, how do I get Zadie to give the honey badger a rest and channel her inner otter once in a while?
Articles
“The Parents Who Dread Their Kids’ Bedtime” (The Cut) - Zadie’s been having some bedtime and sleep struggles the past few months and every single word of this article resonated with me!
“A Year Without Overfunctioning for Others” (The Anxious Overachiever) - I found this to be very thought provoking. I especially liked the list of what this could look like (e.g., “You let people dislike their meal or manage their own bad mood.”)
Books
TV/Movies
Reservation Dogs (Hulu) - This is one of those shows where you can’t decide who your favorite character is because they’re all so good, and it feels so different and fresh compared to other shows. I also loved how one of the major themes is intergenerational relationships; so many great scenes and moments there. (Tip for my highly sensitive friends: skip Episode 8 from Season 2).
Good Grief (Netflix) - Robert and I both really enjoyed this film starring Dan Levy (of Schitt’s Creek fame). It’s quiet but lovely, and the settings in London and Paris and clothes are gorgeous (I heard them described as “sumptuous” and that’s the perfect word). Also, the opening sequence where everyone is singing together? I could rewatch that a hundred times.
Podcasts
Dan Levy on Talk Easy - If you liked Good Grief you’ll love hearing Dan Levy talk about it on this podcast. The host, Sam Fragoso, is such a great interviewer, who does SO much deep-dive research on his guest beforehand and it shows. Every episode I’ve listened to have been good!
Pressure Cooker with Kathryn Jezer-Morton - This is a new podcast to me but I listened because Kathryn Jezer-Morton has written some of my favorite pieces on parenting for The Cut. This conversation is just so smart and really explores some of the common quirks of modern motherhood/parenthood.
Product
Madewell Perfect Vintage Wide-Leg Jean in Caronia Wash - I have gotten so many compliments on these pants! I wanted them for so long and kept waiting for them to go on sale, then finally just pulled the trigger and paid full price. Looks like they’re on sale right now though! Just note that the different washes are all very different jeans; I can only speak for the Caronia wash!
Wrapping Up
How’s it going with you? Are your kids more like honey badgers, otters, or something else? Do you feel like your parenting style is working for you? I’d seriously love to know! Feel free to reply via email or leave a comment, whether about parenting, honey badger kids, or your favorite things lately. I always love hearing from you!
All Good Things,
Joy
P.S. Thank you for all your solidarity re: Girl Scout cookies last month! Zadie worked hard and we spent many, many hours going door to door in the neighborhood. I actually enjoyed talking with/meeting our neighbors, and Zadie learned about talking to new people, etc., so it wasn’t all bad. And she met her goal! But it was nowhere near the overachievers in her troop––one girl (and her mom, obv) sold 1,200 boxes!
So much here Joy that resonates. Thank you for always naming the hard things. Excited to dive into those other articles you recommended.
I had read that article, too! I sent it to my husband because it totally describes our third son 😅 I appreciated this post so much, especially the part of about not having a psych degree to be able to parse the nuances—that is so true!