Pets Are Family, Too

Our dog, Asher, was the glitter and the glue in our family.

We had to say goodbye to our beloved dog, Asher Lev, earlier this month. 

“Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.” —C. S. Lewis

I’ve known that quote far longer than I’ve been a dog owner. When, 10 years ago, we drove to pick Asher up from a rescue agency worker’s house, he tumbled out of his kennel and approached us, head bowed a little, body wriggling with joy, ready and willing to receive our love. We took him out to the backyard to sniff around, and when I called him a good boy he perked up in a way that said being called a good boy was all he had ever wanted in life. Later, I went to use the bathroom and when I came out, he was sitting by the door, waiting for me. Just like that, we belonged to each other. 

When we signed the adoption paperwork that day, promising to care for Asher as his forever family, I knew that forever for Asher would only be a chapter of my life. It’s simple math–a dog’s average life span is a fraction of a human’s. But every dog owner has to put that out of their head as much as possible for as long as possible in order to give themselves over to the particular delight and affection of having a dog. 

Our first two years with him, Asher was like our baby, even though I refused to call myself his mama. He somehow made Robert and me feel more like a family unit moving through the world, two people with a creature to love and care for besides ourselves. When Zadie came along, Asher, like so many dogs whose humans have a baby, had to take a back seat. At first he was puzzled by the reduction in attention and affection, but he adapted well–he learned to walk alongside a stroller instead of zig zagging in front of it. He woke up in the middle of the night with me when I nursed Zadie, curling up next to my feet on the ottoman. So much of my world, my identity, had changed, but his warm presence was like a night light guiding me from my old life to the new.

Those first two years of motherhood were a blur, and I barely remember Asher during them, except that he took his sideline role seriously, minimizing his needs and not getting in the way. We lived in a third-floor apartment and the last thing I wanted to do after a long day of work and picking up Zadie from daycare was to bring her back down the three flights of stairs to take Asher for a walk. That was our lowest time, and I even thought about rehoming him because I felt so guilty that he was cooped up in an apartment most of the day. A colleague had rehomed her dog when she had a second child; she found a retired couple in Laguna Beach who treated her dog like a king. “They feed him chicken every day,” she said. “They give him such a good life.” She could make a call, see if they wanted Asher? I was tempted, but it was agonizing to think of life without him. 

Then we found a rental house with a huge yard for him to explore (an unfenced yard, I might add, and he took advantage of that by slipping out to the sidewalk now and then, once returning triumphantly with an entire foraged breakfast burrito in his mouth). Best of all, it was at that house, when Zadie was three or four, that she started to be curious about Asher, interested in him. This was around the time she learned the word “butthole” and coincidentally discovered that Asher had a butthole–a fact that cracked her up. By the time she was five, Zadie was as in love with Asher as Robert and I were, and he regained his cornerstone status in our family. 

Kelly Corrigan wrote that in most families, one parent is the glitter and one is the glue. In our family, Asher was both the glitter and the glue. He provided daily entertainment with his antics and quirks, like finding any random soft thing to lay on––we found him on more than one occasion curled up on a dish towel on the hardwood floor. His waddle with a little skip of his back legs never failed to make my heart swell with affection. He was the butt of most of our family jokes, had literally dozens of nicknames (Miso, Boo Boo Guy, and Googly Bear, to name a few), and there wasn’t a song we couldn’t make about him. He let Zadie dress him up in costumes of her own making and annoy him like a sibling. He got us out of the house on walks at least twice a day, and helped us meet all the other dog owners in the neighborhood. As the glue of our family, Asher was a little furry absorber for our emotions. He could diffuse tension in a room in 10 seconds flat. If anyone was having a bad day, they could give him a hug and immediately feel comfort. If we needed to say things to each other that were hard to say, it was not uncommon to say that thing to Asher and hope the other person would hear. ( I’ve joked more than once that he was our family therapist.) Mostly, though, Asher––with his coarse, curly sheep’s wool fur, his warm musty animal smell, and his dark, earnest eyes––became synonymous with home for us. 

Ten years is not a long time. But it’s astonishing how much life and love we crammed into Asher’s short time with us. I am so glad we did not keep our hearts locked away, but gave them to this scruffy, 15-pound Bichon. And in return, he gave us his whole self, which was pure love. 

Articles

I’ve read this essay on what dogs teach us by Elizabeth Gilbert so many times and it’s just perfect. 

A Feminonology of Chappell Roan (LA Review of Books) - I’m familiar with Chappell Roan’s music only because I take Peloton classes lol. But I found myself so curious about her after she kinda blew up this summer. While this article sometimes has that insufferable academic quality to it, I mostly found it fascinating! 

I Lied When I Said We Couldn’t Have More Kids by Tina Neidlein - I related to so much of this essay! 

Books

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles - This novel is so absorbing. It’s not hugely plot-driven, but the character development, the tone, and the sense of place are exquisite. Related: I’m starting to understand/accept my taste in books. I realized I’ve used the word “absorbing” to describe most of my favorite books of the past few years. On the other hand, I’ve been so disappointed by a ton of books that land in the genre of book club fiction (most recently, Remarkably Bright Creatures).

Ben Yokoyama and the Cookie of Doom - I’ve been having a hard time finding books to read with Zadie at bedtime—most picture books have lost their allure, but at 8 years old, she’s not really ready for middle grade content (we’ve tried a few MG novels and they tend to bore her). I found this series, The Cookie Chronicles, and it’s so much fun! They are fully illustrated but not graphic novels. We all enjoyed reading this first book and Zadie was so excited to hear there are six books in the series! 

TV

America’s Sweethearts (Netflix) -  I could not get enough of this docuseries on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I went into it thinking it might be a hate-watch, but nope! Against all odds (and some of my values lol) I was enchanted! I started an essay about this; maybe I’ll share it here soon. 

Bad Monkey (Apple+) - There is too much violence for my taste in this show so I was reluctant to recommend it. But except for the violence (which is usually somewhat comedic?), this show is so much fun. Where has Vince Vaughn been? I forgot how funny he is. There are so many great characters it’s hard to choose a favorite.

Podcasts

“The Beautiful Cult of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders” (Culture Study) - This was the exact conversation I wanted to have after finishing the America’s Sweethearts series! 

Slate Culture Gabfest - I kind of forgot about this podcast…it was the first one I started listening to regularly way back in 2012 or so. I usually only listen if they have a segment touching on a cultural topic I’m interested in (for instance, I listened to their Bad Monkey episode, which sold me on giving it a try!). When all three of the main hosts are there it’s so much fun; their banter is almost sibling-like. 

Wrapping Up

It’s been a shaky month for me as I try to wrap my head around life without Asher. I heard someone say that we allow our pets to hold vulnerable parts of us, and I’ve found I’m really feeling the loss of that, too.

How has your month been? Are you leaning into back to school vibes? Spooky season? Election season? *face melting emoji* This time of year always feels like I’m about to be shot out of a cannon on October 1 that will land me somewhere after Zadie’s birthday in January. Let me know how you’re doing, and what you are loving or what’s sustaining you these days! 

All Good Things, 

Joy