Surrendering to the Summer Slide

Last month I wrote to you about leaning into ease this summer, embracing simple 80s summer magic. But here’s the thing: I meant summer magic, like, on the weekends. Instead, summer is encroaching on my precious routine and I’m kind of losing my mind about it.

I’ve worked full-time since Zadie was 14 months old, and it was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made: to have capable, loving caregivers watch my child while I worked. I’ve never been very ambitious, so my work hours weren’t as much about climbing a career ladder as they were about staying connected to the parts of me that were not caregiving and maternal (so, basically, most of me). Working full-time was also a roundabout way for me to create boundaries. I’ve always needed time alone––time to read, time to space out, time to write. But I didn’t know how to ask for that (or I felt such a demand was self-indulgent) so I found ways to build it into my days at work, whether that meant listening to a stimulating podcast on my commute, going for walks on my breaks, or hammering out a first draft of an essay when work was slow. Now that I work from home, my little breaks to walk my dog or putter around the house tidying are those pockets of “me time” that allow me to have (some) energy to parent my child. 

Every summer before this, Zadie was in daycare, which meant summer looked exactly like the rest of the year in terms of our schedule. But this is her first “real” kid summer, with 10 weeks between kindergarten and first grade requiring child care. No problem, I thought. I scoured the internet for nearby day camps that offered extended care, figuring we wouldn’t miss a beat if I could still have coverage from 8am to 5pm like during the school year.

But as we started living our actual summer, it just didn’t really pan out like that. The drive to and from her first camp (including the walk across the university campus where the camp was located) took an hour. Not to mention that most parents picked up their kids right when the camp day ended, choosing not to use the extended care option. Zadie begged me to pick her up earlier every day, and most of the time I felt guilty enough to comply. When all was said and done, my work day/time alone had been shortened by two hours––that’s 10 hours a week! By the end of her few weeks of camp there, I felt harried and resentful. I missed our old schedule and that cushy window from 8–5 where I could not only get my work done but also, just, you know, be a person in the world without someone asking me for something every three seconds. 

I also hated all the other parents who were taking their kids to camps that went from 9–3 and acting like it was no biggie. Did they work? If so, how were they managing this? Did they just plop their kids in front of the TV when they got home at 3pm? That felt impossible for me, since we have pretty strict screen time limits in our house and also, Zadie is not exactly…chill. In fact, being home with her can sometimes feel like a hostage situation (big shout out to Mary Van Geffen, whose work I discovered recently and who coined the term “Spicy One” to refer to kids like Zadie. One of the criteria is “has no problem setting boundaries with adults.” HA!). And of course, I only “hated” these parents because I felt jealous and insecure. What’s wrong with me, I wondered, that I can’t just spend some extra time with my child in the summer without using terms like “hostage situation”? Why do I have to be so introverted? Am I just too selfish? 

The day before Zadie started her new summer camp, where she’ll attend for the next three weeks and for which I’d already prepaid for the extended care option, the director emailed to inform me that Zadie was the only child signed up for extended care. He wanted to know when I’d be dropping her off and picking her up each day so he could plan accordingly. Welp, that flipped my mind's giant switch labeled SHAME. I was the only parent who needed (wanted) child care outside of the hours of 9am to 3:30pm? I felt like a complete monster. I also worried about Zadie being the only kid getting there early and staying late, imagining her drawing by herself while a counselor looked at her phone nearby. 

That’s when I realized that it might be time for me to just give in a little to summer. We’ve all heard of the “Summer Slide,” where kids lose some of their learning from the previous school year during the summer break. I found myself wondering if it might be a good thing for me to surrender to a summer slide of my own. How else was I thinking I would experience ease this summer? I wrote to you a month ago that I wanted to let myself off the hook, for goodness sake. Did I think that meant keeping the same screen time rules, the same workout regimen, the same routine as the rest of the year? 

We’re at the exact midpoint of summer. I told the camp director to cancel our extended care request for this week and I’m going to see what happens if I let Zadie putter around until camp starts at 9am, and if I let her park in front of the TV after pickup in the afternoons while I finish my work day. It’s just a few weeks. Maybe it’s ok to let things slide a little.

Articles
Taking a Break While Broke by Kathryn Jezer-Morton – I've thought about this a lot since I read it. It's just a really honest look at class and wealth and vacationing and how that all intersects with trying to just take a damn break as a parent.

Treat Your To-Read Pile Like a River, Not a Bucket by Oliver Burkeman – If you're like me and the towering pile of books on your nightstand is just the tip of your TBR iceberg, you might also find this read helpful.

My Favorite Controlled Substance is Daycare by Sarah Suksiri – This was just too perfect for this newsletter's topic to not include it. 

Books
Tell Me More by Kelly Corrigan – I'm listening to this for a book club and really enjoying it. Corrigan is so good at drawing out the ordinary details of life and making them shimmer, then punching you in the gut with some very poignant truth about what it means to be human. 

TV
The Bear (Hulu) – This show about an elite chef moving back home to Chicago to whip his late brother's dive restaurant into shape is worth the hype! We tore through it. Be warned, it feels stressful versus relaxing, like a roller coaster that has you on the edge of your seat. 

Podcasts
How to Fix Summer Dinners (The Lazy Genius) – God bless Kendra Adachi for her uber practical podcast, The Lazy Genius. She has really been my cheerleader lately about just letting yourself live in your season and not being so hard on yourself about everything. This short episode had that kind of energy for sure.

Product
Balance Board Trainer – This was the only thing I picked up on Prime Day because I had it on my drop list with Honey. (Do you use Honey? If not, you should! I feel like it's helped me watch for deals and also every few months I've earned enough "Honey Gold" to get $10 in my PayPal or Amazon account.) Anyway, I saw this like 6 months ago on a parenting influencer's IG and thought it would be perfect for my active child. It's actually really fun for all three of us and kind of addicting? You want to hop on any time you pass by. It's only been a few days but so far it's worth the $50 I paid for it.

RANDOM REC ALERT
You guys, I need you to know that the recent Peloton cycling class with Lizzo as a special guest was bonkers. I told my sister it felt groundbreaking. Her "Big Girls" backup dancers show up. Lizzo rides the whole time, singing along with her songs and giving hilarious answers to lightning round questions. The two instructors leading the class are so full of joy it made me cry actual tears by the end of the ride. It's Carpool Karaoke meets spin class. You must take this class if you have a Peloton, or if you have access to a stationary bike and a Peloton app.

Wrapping Up
In case you wanted an update from last month's newsletter, I'm loving my IRL Summer strategy (no social media from the summer solstice till Labor Day). It's made my life feel smaller and less noisy, in a good way. It's nice to not have to think about "rules" for my social media use or get lost scrolling for an hour. And I didn't realize how many conversations from social media were taking up rent-free space in my head. How's your summer going? What are you reading, watching, listening to? I'd love to hear! 

All Good Things,
Joy

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