My Endurance Sport Is Motherhood

There’s no finish line, but I still want a medal

Over the summer, I became really fascinated by endurance sports, mostly the Tour de France (both the men’s and women’s races). But also one of my Peloton instructors is an ultramarathoner and I found out she didn’t start running until she was in her 30s. I was in awe. How do you go from not running to completing these insane 100+ mile races in brutal settings like Death Valley?

I’m intrigued by people who regularly push themselves at that level. I found myself daydreaming about taking up an endurance sport of my own. Could I start with a half-marathon, then work my way up to a full 26.2 miles one day?

It slowly dawned on me that this sudden fascination with endurance sports was probably connected to where I am right now in motherhood, which could definitely be considered a feat of  endurance.

When Zadie was first born I was utterly shocked by the transition to full-time caregiving. I remember telling a friend that it felt like every single day, I ran an entire marathon, and instead of a medal at the end, I just got to do it all again the next day. But just as shocking was the fact that I eventually got used to the relentless nature of parenting a baby, then a toddler.

But around the time Zadie started kindergarten, we reached a mile marker of sorts. At the same time parenting began requiring less full-on physical caregiving, the need for emotional endurance kicked in. As Zadie has gotten older, seeing her at different stages of childhood has made me aware of some ways I need to reparent myself, which is hard work. Adding to the emotional strain are just the realities of parenting an elementary aged kid: Allowing them to become their own person while reckoning with all your latent expectations for them (surely they’ll be a star student, an athlete, a bookworm, and an artist?). Navigating how much freedom to give versus when to tighten up the boundary. Discerning when to simply be a sympathetic ear re: friend drama and when to offer advice. And the whole time just trying to get it all right.

My daughter’s temperament will probably make her a CEO one day, but her demanding personality can be an intense match for my relentless inner critic. Sometimes I don’t think I can manage another day of trying so hard but feeling like the game is rigged and all our kids are going to end up in therapy anyway. Maybe this doesn’t ring true for those moms on Instagram who bemoan having only 18 summers with their kids, who instantly took to their maternal role, but I’m more of a Taylor Swift kind of mom: “I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try.” 

In the Tour de France this summer, sometimes a rider would be struggling to keep their lead in the race, after hours of hard work, and the sportscasters would say, “They’re in a world of pain right now.” Still, the rider kept pedaling through the pain. There have been times in the past couple of years when I’ve felt like I was in a world of pain, the walls of grief and fear and trauma and depression all closing in on me, but I had to endure, I had to keep going, because there is no other mother to come and take my place, and I’ve already come this far.

Maybe that’s why I’ve wanted to get into an endurance sport: because it would be a physical manifestation of how tough I am, a testament to the stamina I’ve cultivated for the past seven years in this marathon of motherhood. And in a physical race, unlike life, there would be a finish line, and maybe a cheering crowd, and a medal to prove I endured.

Articles

“My Complicated Relationship with Not Being a ‘Busy’ Mom” by Jen McGuire (Romper) - I loved this piece, especially as I feel like I’m preparing to be shot out of a cannon from October 1 through Christmas. “I think once you join the cult of busy you can’t stop. You don’t want to be the person sitting in a group who says “not much” when someone asks what you did on the weekend. You want to make jokes about how you need a weekend from your weekend because it’s just go, go, go and you’re exhausted. Saying you’re busy is basically the same thing as saying you’re popular.”

“Leave Your Children on an Island” by Bess Kalb - Welp, Bess Kalb does it again, perfectly skewering modern motherhood while at the same time shining a light on the beautiful, tender bits of it. If you’ve ever had to leave your kids to have some grown-up fun and felt a baffling mixture of emotions, this is for you.

Books

Tom Lake by Ann Patchett - I’m a big fan of Ann Patchett (The Dutch House and Bel Canto both blew me away). This didn’t quite blow me away but it was a very pleasant read with an incredible sense of place . . . I almost feel like I can say I’ve been to northern Michigan now? Also I’ve found myself thinking about the characters afterward, which is always a good sign for me. Oh, and Meryl Streep reads the audiobook!!

Margarita in the Spotlight by Maria Frazer (Audible Original) - This middle grade title is only available on Audible, but it was so much fun! It’s about a girl whose sister is kind of an old school Taylor Swift, rising country music star. There’s a lot in there about identity, family, sisterhood, race . . . but what really makes it super fun is a bunch of original country songs sprinkled throughout the story. Great for the tween in your life!

TV

We Are Ladyparts (Peacock) - I ADORED this comedy about four Muslim women in a punk band. It’s one of those shows where you can’t decide who your favorite character is, and it’s so different from anything I’ve seen in a long time. But be warned: it’s only 6 episodes, which is just cruel.

For All Mankind, season 3 (Apple+) - It took us like a year to finally watch the third season of this show, an alternate history about the space race, if the Russians had landed on the moon first. This season we’re in the 90s and going to Mars. It’s just the right amount of relationship drama and action/intense space crisis scenes.

Wrapping Up

I hope you’re feeling all the bouquets-of-freshly-sharpened-pencils energy of a new school year! I’ve got some energy around my new middle grade novel and I’m starting to think about fall plans—trips, Halloween costumes, etc. Speaking of, I just ordered this Barbie-ish jumpsuit for a possible Halloween costume. I usually don’t dress up but this feels like an easy win. What’s going on in your neck of the woods? What are you excited about this fall? And if you have some good TV recs, send them my way! There’s so much content out there but a lot of it feels blah to me. We did just start Severance, though! (I know we’re like a year late.) Hit me back by replying to this email or you can leave a comment right here on Substack. Either way, I always love hearing from you!

All Good Things,

Joy Netanya Thompson