Why Is It So Hard to Say ‘Yes’ to Fun?
It didn’t take long for me to choose my motto for 2022: “Say ‘yes’ to fun!” As I’ve written about recently, I realized last year that I was completely burned out. Since then I’ve been on a quest to figure out why and how I can get back to myself. One issue that’s come up over and over again is that my life feels like it’s almost entirely driven by responsibility. No wonder I’m feeling ground down. Author Eve Rodsky says that “the antidote to burnout is the permission to be interested in your own life.” When I heard that, I wanted to jump up and shout, AMEN! I also kind of wanted to sob, because how long has it been since I was interested in my own life?
As a parent, there are a lot of moments to have “fun” with my child. Playing, dancing, goofing around. But let’s be honest: having fun with a six-year-old is not the type of FUN that makes me interested in my own life. Currently the most fun activity in my week is a Peloton ride with a great playlist and that is fucking sad. I had to reach wayyyyyyy back into my past to think about what used to be fun to me. I remember so many times in college or my early 20s when I would laugh with friends until my stomach hurt. There were so many house parties, theme parties, and dance parties in my 20s that were amazingly fun. Beach trips and bonfires. Disneyland on Friday nights. Swimming. Concerts. Traveling to new places.
But most of those experiences feel out of reach in my current life. Or, if they are attainable, they’re weighed down by responsibility. Exhibit A: I went to Disneyland recently with Robert and Zadie. It barely resembled the trips I used to take there in college with my friends. Why? Because this time I was responsible for a small child––her safety, her hunger, her potty breaks, her stimulation levels. Same goes for swimming or the beach or traveling or even being with friends. There’s always this shadow of responsibility now, if not all-out caregiving tasks, unless we manage to secure child care (a modern miracle these days). But even without my daughter around there’s still the guilt––the responsibility never goes away. I’m still thinking about what needs to be done the next day at home, or how I need enough sleep so I’m not a mommy monster in the morning.
As I’ve tried to figure out my trouble with fun, I’ve gone my usual route of self blame (“I must have done something wrong to lose my sense of fun!”). But I’m realizing that it’s not just me. So many moms I talk to are struggling in the same way. There are systemic and cultural expectations around mothers that have us saddled with responsibility in a way that is difficult to articulate (check out this classic article about a day in the life of a working mom). Of course my personality plays into it (I once scored almost off the charts in self discipline on a temperament analysis). I think a lot about the book Burnout and its authors’ explanation of “human giver syndrome,” which keeps a person from owning their time and their worth as a human being, apart from what they can do for others. When I became a mother I shifted from a person simply inhabiting the world to a person whose identity and time were consumed by caregiving and domestic tasks. Now I wonder if that shift can be reversed. And if it can’t, and I’m stuck in human giver mode, how can I temporarily turn off my sense of responsibility (besides weed gummies) in order to give myself the gift of fun?
Articles
“Why Simply Hustling Harder Won’t Help You with the Big Problems in Life” (GQ) - This interview with Kate Bowler is so satisfying. She articulates a lot of the systemic stuff that makes our lives harder than they need to be (capitalism, hustling, constant productivity), and she's funny. Win win.
“What’s Your Pro Tip?” (Cup of Jo) – The comments section on this post is a gold mine of life hacks and pro tips and is just fun to read. What would you add?
“Who Wore It Better: A Professionally Styled Model, or Me?” (McSweeneys) – This made me laugh until I cried. Especially the overalls one and the flannel shirt.
Books
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky – Robert and I both listened to this book last month. We also bought the Fair Play card deck but haven’t fully implemented the system. I’m not sure if we ever will but we are finding the book started a lot of good conversations and gave us some very helpful language when it comes to talking about our division of domestic labor.
The Gilded Girl by Alyssa Colman – I try to read a good amount of middle grade fiction since that’s the genre I’m writing. This debut novel was a nice escape. I don’t usually like fantasy but this historical fantasy is basically a retelling of The Little Princess, but with magic. Very fun!
Podcasts
“The Power of Fun” (Freedom Matters podcast) – I listened to this a couple months ago and it was enlightening. I have the guest’s book (Catherine Price, The Power of Fun) on hold at the library!
“Eve Rodsky on How to Stop ‘Doing It All’” (Good Inside w/ Dr. Becky podcast) – This is a good, bite-size listen to understand what's happening when a mother says she doesn’t have time. Eve Rodsky is doing such a fantastic job of calling out so many effed up forces in our society that need to change ASAP so that women can reclaim their time and their selves.
TV/Movies
“On a Serpentine Road, with the Top Down” – Modern Love season 2, episode 1 (Prime) – We enjoyed a lot of the episodes of the first season of Modern Love (a series adapted from the NY Times famous column), and the first episode of the second season was SO GOOD. It stars Minnie Driver and, well, just watch it. Robert and I were both in tears by the end!
Military Wives (Hulu) – I watched this film several months ago when I was on a little solo getaway. It’s the kind of movie that would be hard to convince Robert to watch with me but was right up my alley––heartwarming, musical, celebrating the sisterhood of women . . . I just really enjoyed it and I’ve found myself thinking about it from time to time since, so I thought it was worth sharing with you if you need a little pick-me-up.
Product
Target Microplush Blanket – I bought this for myself in the fall and it is amazingly soft! Zadie kept begging to steal it and I finally got her one for her birthday. I also bought one for my sister. Such a good price point and perfect for wrapping yourself in when you need to feel cozy and soothed.
Wrapping Up
How is 2022 looking for you so far? Do you have a word or motto or theme for your year? Do you struggle to make room for fun in your life? And if not, what do you do for fun? A friend suggested line dancing and I’m seriously considering it! I always love hearing from you...don't hesitate to write back!
All Good Things,
Joy
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