Is Everyone Getting Botox Without Me?

Plus, share your thoughts about Botox in my poll!

Selfie in the bathroom at work on my 40th birthday lol

The other day we started watching Running Point on Netflix, and as soon as Kate Hudson came on the screen Robert said, “What did she do to her face?” Clearly, she’d had work done—but hasn’t everyone in Hollywood at this point? Yet, after he pointed it out, I couldn’t help but notice Kate’s frozen forehead and puffy upper lip. I kept wondering, what would she look like if she hadn’t done those procedures? I imagine she would still be beautiful. I’ll admit I am getting weary of the sameness of the high-eyebrow, stiff shiny forehead look of many fortysomething actresses. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t yet clicked “Play” on the series Nobody Wants This—all I can see is Kristen Bell’s frozen forehead and the way her eyebrows kind of look surprised in every shot.

During a Peloton ride the other day, my instructor made a joke about how his Botox was wearing off, and that’s when I realized he had that same surprised, frozen look. It makes sense for actresses or Peloton instructors or anyone else with a camera trained on them constantly to get Botox. But in my online circles, it also seems to be a constant topic among “regular” people. Seeing so many people with it, and hearing people talking about it casually, makes me wonder if everyone is doing it. I only know a few women in real life who get regular Botox (and they don’t have frozen foreheads—they just look well rested!). Still, there’s a feeling of inevitability about it, like, at some point almost every woman I know will be getting Botox, just like how the majority of women, by a certain age, are getting their hair colored.

I guess I have this fear that I’m going to look up in 10 or 15 years and will have aged exponentially more than my peers; I’ll be like a cross between the witch in Snow White and the face-melting emoji, while all the other women my age will look fresh-faced. Sometimes I think I’m going to become an accidental hippie, with long gray hair and a wrinkly, makeup-free face. I guess that’s not the worst thing that could happen?¹

The author Zadie Smith famously told her young daughter that she should never spend more than 15 minutes on her appearance, partly because it’s simply not fair that she waste her time when her brother will just put on a shirt and get on with his day. There is real cause for feminist rage here, and it’s sometimes what keeps me from spending too much time on my appearance. Men don’t have to do this! They literally walk outside the house every day without a stitch of makeup on, and yet I went to work the other day without eye makeup (because I just totally got distracted and forgot), and when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom office and realized it, I felt almost a visceral shame.

Because the fact is that beauty, along with youth, is currency in our culture. And even if you’re not naturally gorgeous, as a woman you are expected to play up your best features and make yourself nice to look at (“an ornament to society,” as Amy March puts it in Greta Gerwig’s Little Women). Beautiful women get more attention, more opportunities, more support, and even higher salaries. So I understand the draw to Botox, even if you’re not being filmed by an HD camera for a Netflix show. As the author of this New Yorker piece put it, “Botox is a reasonable tool in a world where a lot of things we do not want to be true are true anyway.” Someone once told me it makes sense to pay a lot for a good haircut and color, because people see your hair every single day. The cost per wear is a good investment. And I guess the same could be true for spending money to make your face the way you like it?

Because, in my experience, it’s pretty brutal to try and reconcile with your own aging face as it moves further and further away from the face you’ve gotten used to (and even loved!) for the past couple of decades. I regularly have that experience of looking in the mirror and being like, wait, that’s what I look like? And then seeing pictures of myself in my 20s and marveling at the smooth bounce of my skin, the brightness of my eyes and the lack of bags under them. It’s painful to see what I’ve already lost, and to know that’s only just the start. So really, Botox might be a way of delaying grief, because it delays the loss of our beauty (and thus, power/currency/relevance in some arenas) for a bit longer. At some point, there’s no hiding our aging, and then the grief will be unavoidable. But for now, many of us are already dealing with kids, careers, climate anxiety, political chaos—if we can put off this one loss/grief, why not?

But if you *don’t* want to go the Botox route, what makes it harder is watching TV and movies and not seeing representations of middle-aged women who look like they are actually aging. I want to see how the women I grew up watching look as they get older. I try to find examples of older women who seem to be taking a more natural route and still look great. One who comes to mind is the author Ann Patchett², who owns Parnassus Books in Nashville and often appears in videos on Instagram to promote the new books in her store. She usually wears cute dresses and holds her poodle-y looking dog, Nemo. Her cheeks are rosy and give her a childlike, cheery look. I like looking at her. I like that she doesn’t look like anyone else. She looks like herself. And isn’t that enough?

Let me know what you think in the poll below! Self-disclosure: I’m Botox-curious, but also not willing to spend the money on it right now (and Robert is very anti-, so that would be a whole other conversation since we share finances completely).

And now for the recs!

Articles

“At 94, I’m Still Worth Looking At” – I found this article to be so thought-provoking—even if just for the headline! I enjoyed how the author recounted the various “looks” she’s adopted throughout her life. The part I keep thinking about: “If you want to be looked at, you need a ‘look.’ It’s best to pick a look that you enjoy.” What could be a look I would enjoy for this phase of my life?

Also, I was in the New York Times last month talking about how COVID changed my relationship with grief. It was kind of a surreal experience to see myself on their home page! If you’ve been reading for a while you know that I lost my dad at the beginning of the pandemic and the grief was transformative for me. I was grateful for a chance to talk about it and hopefully help others who are still processing their grief.

Books

I Cheerfully Refuse by Leif Enger – This was one of the best novels I’ve read in months. I don’t usually enjoy dystopian novels but this one I could stomach, mainly because the dystopia felt realistic (a slow slide into a crumbling society) rather than apocalyptic, and because the whole thing was shot through with hope.

The Tenth Mistake of Hank Hooperman by Gennifer Choldenko – This is a middle grade book, FYI. It’s so good!!! I think it should have won the Newbery. Hank is such an endearing character, and he’s going through a hard time and manages it in a way that feels so authentic to how a 12-year-old would behave. The characters and dialogue are masterful.

TV

Running Point (Netflix) – I love pretty much everything Mindy Kaling does, and her new show (she’s not in it, but she produced/created it?) does not disappoint! Just pure enjoyment, and I love that it’s set in LA and has a few LA zingers that had me cracking up. Ali (Brenda Song) was my favorite character!

Bad Sisters, season 2 (Apple+) – This was even better than the first season! I love the relationships between the sisters, and how they are all different and uniquely flawed. Also, the whole Irish setting is so gorgeous! This felt like watching a really good movie every night until it was done.

Podcasts

Not Right Now – This is a new podcast from the wonderful

Claire Zulkey

of the Evil Witches newsletter. She co-hosts with a dad named Quinn, and the show is just refreshingly irreverent about parenting and all its indignities. Favorite episode so far are “This Is Me at My Best” about how we cope as parents, and “Lower Your Expectations (And Everyone Else’s, Too)” about solo parenting when your partner is away.

Wild Card with Zadie Smith

I don’t listen to this show regularly but listened to the Ann Patchett episode (which I also enjoyed) and this one. Zadie Smith is absolutely fascinating and fabulous to me, and I could listen to her talk all day. She also talks about time/aging in this interview, so it’s a good tie-in! Favorite quote: “For me personally, I would like to accept time and also love it. I would like to love being an old woman and hopefully a wise old woman, like in a fairy story.”

Cry for Help

I often do a product recommendation or PSA here, but today I’m asking for help! Zadie, like many 9-year-olds, pretty much only wants to read graphic novels. For the past month, she’s been in a Cat Kid Comic Club rut and I can’t seem to get her out. Any recs? I’m OK sticking w/ graphic novels for now. (In the past, she’s enjoyed the Click series, the Baby-Sitters Club and Baby-Sitters Club Little Sister series, the Nat series, Ivy & Bean, and the Cookie Chronicles.)

Wrapping Up

How are you doing this spring? I feel like usually spring is not my favorite, but the newness is welcome right now. Plus, the weather has been gorgeous in Southern California and I’m soaking it up. And next month I’m going on a cruise with my sisters and mom as a belated 40th birthday celebration—I can’t wait! (If you’ve been on a Virgin cruise, lmk if you have any tips!) Let me know how you are doing, what you’re reading, watching, listening to. You can just hit reply if you’re reading it in your email inbox, or leave a comment below. I truly love hearing from you!

All good things,

Joy

1. In my opinion, the aged hippie is a preferable look to the older woman who didn’t know when to stop when it comes to cosmetic surgery.

2. Of course it’s entirely possible that Ann Patchett gets Botox. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯